Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Corners Of My Mind

Memories can be wonderful. I count on my list of wonderful memories the day I was married to David, the birth of my children, spiritual moments too private to share, the full moon over the ocean - and many, many more. The memory of my life with my father right now is incredibly bittersweet; welcome yet in some ways I wish I could hold those memories at bay until I've mustered enough strength to deal with them properly.

Today my memory is also guilty of assaulting me when I least expect it. Having a conversation with my son, I suddenly flashed back to many wonderful cookouts when my dad made ribs - and he was a master at this, the most delicious ribs you've ever tasted.  He studied, as well as trial and error, to make this his specialty, and what a job he did!  But I didn't ask for that memory, wasn't seeking it, and its arrival made me gasp out loud, causing great concern on my son's part. For a few minutes I could not believe that I would never taste Daddy's ribs again. Just one of many things too sad to mention right now.

The other excruciatingly painful topic to me is my birthday - it is 7/7, and I've always called it the most magical day of the year. This year I'd be perfectly happy to skip it, because a very important element is going to be missing, and that is my phone call from Daddy.  He has called me every year, sometimes not until evening, but always always calls. This year on my birthday, the silence will be deafening.

I'm so grateful for the many friends who've read my blog entries and posted supportive comments. I have no words to tell you what that means to me. You not only honor me with your words, but you also honor the memory of my dad, and that's of utmost importance to me right now. And my family is wonderful - my darling husband, my beautiful children, my mom and my siblings are holding me and extending a lifeline to me that I desperately need. They have no idea who much they touch me with those gestures. My friend Miriam has been by my side, emotionally if not physically, every minute of the last 2 weeks. I already adored her, but after sharing this with me  I'm a bit disappointed in my "real life": friends and church members, as there are only 1 or 2 who have truly reached out to me, but hey, maybe I just need something to concentrate on besides my pain.

If anyone has a map showing how to get through this grief, please share it with me. I have no map of my own.

Peace and love to everyone

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Orlando, Florida, United States
"If you asked me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you...I came to live out loud. [Emile Zola.]
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